Reasons

I'm not so good at "reasons." You know, reasons for doing things or not doing things, having things or not, caring about things or not. I'm a spur-of-the-moment kind of reasoner. Why do I have a blog? Because I one day decided I wanted one. Why am I writing this blog entry? Because I felt moved to do so. Why am I doing what I'm doing in life? Because this is where I have been led. I don't put a lot of stock in reason... because, as far as I'm concerned, you don't make the reason - the reason makes you.

I've never been a staunch believer in a higher power - of something dictating what and when and how things will happen. However, I do believe that everything we do is somehow "supposed" to be done, because it brings us somewhere else, somewhere we wouldn't be if we had made any other choice.

Do you recall the "Choose Your Own Adventure" books? If not, or if you do but not to a sufficient extent, check this out for an introduction/refresher. Anyway... the "Choose Your Own Adventure" life model is how I generally feel about making life decisions. You make one, or another, and one of two - or three or four - reactions is possible. This particular reaction inspires another spontaneous action on your behalf, and so on and so forth. The point being - your actions elicit reactions based solely upon the choices you make. It's not that things are fated, so to speak, it's that your decisions build consequences; sometimes the consequences amaze you, and thus, you have been "fated," and other times the consequences are crippling, and though you may curse the decision initially, you eventually find that the consequence was actually a door - or, a page turn if you want to follow the "Choose Your Own Adventure" metaphor - to the "right" way, or the "right" event,  or the "right" person. It's all... purposely consequential.

This concept is not totally cryptic, and I apologize if it's coming across as so. Mostly, what I'm trying to say is, you don't know where life will lead, but if you make decisions based solely - or, at the very least, mostly - based on your instinct as to what it is that you want, what you truly, truly believe is right, then for the most part things will work out in your favor.

I believe in karma, I believe in the "everything happens for a reason," I just don't believe in reason. If I believed in reason, then that would imply that the reason's outcome would totally be in my control, and it's not. It's not who, or what, or where - it's how. How you handle a situation, how you build a relationship, and how you make yourself the person that you want to be. Reason has nothing to do with that - reason is the secret that you don't know until it's too late. And, I do mean "late" in the good way. Reason catches up with you and you say "Holy shit, it was supposed to happen this way."

We make instinctual choices, and those choices lead to results, resolutions, and retaliations. All of which are the spawn of more instinctual choices. Reason builds a following along the way. Reason is based on the past, on the experience of having reasoned before... and you don't need "a reason," you just need an answer. The question will follow suit, the rest of your life will unfold, and everything - yeah, everything - will eventually become totally and completely clear. You'll know the reason. The reason is the end result. The reason isn't obvious until the credits roll and the popcorn is empty and the house lights come up.

At least, that's the kind of reason I deal with. Inconspicuous, totally secretive, unobtrusive reasons for everything. But, everything does have a reason. So, at least there's that.

Now, as far as the reason for this post? Two cocktails and some quality time with my best friend. That's a good enough reason for me. Just enough to make me contemplate how we're still friends after meeting in seventh grade, how we work together, and how we have the same amazing group of friends we've always had.

Now, I'll fall asleep and wake up in the morning to do laundry and dishes and I'll probably reread this and go, "Ooooh, Katie, you were feeling theoretical last night," and that'll be okay. 'Cause someday, I'll need this reason for reason, and someday it'll all make sense.

Maybe even tomorrow.