With Love, From MySpace to Yours

I get a lot of shit email. A lot. So much so, that I barely check one of the accounts anymore, and have stopped giving it out as part of my personal contact information because I'd prefer it to just become the place where crap email goes to die - much like the recycling bin in my front hallway.

Prior to my moving in, the unclaimed blue bin in the front hall was established as the sole receptacle for any and all junk mail/fliers that arrive in the mail. Unlike my email junk, however, that recycling bin is overflowing and taking up an awful lot of physical space. And, the more crap that goes in it, the heavier it gets and the less likely it is that someone will move it to the curb. It's much, much easier to ignore the crap in my now defunct hotmail account than it is to ignore the possibility that the front hallway in my building will someday be awash with recycling bin overflow made up of supermarket coupons, Price Rite fliers, and Chinese food take out menus.

This morning, I could not sleep. I was awake at five in the morning, trolling the internet for entertaining bullshit that I could scroll through without much effort. I had every intention of finding something that would bore me and put me back to sleep. So, naturally, I navigated my way to my junk email account; what better way to waste time and very, very little intellectual energy, right? Lest I wake my already restless brain up any further.

In the midst of scanning, I was intrigued by this subject: "Ideas For An Amazing Valentine's Day!" and the sender: MySpace. Okay, "intrigued" might be a strong word. I guess I could say, I looked at it and thought, "Oh, yes please, Gods of Comedy; MySpace, tell me how to have an Amazing Valentine's Day."

Now, please allow the fact that I'm getting MySpace emails to this account indicate further just how antiquated this particular account is.

Anyway, the marketing geniuses at MySpace provided me with some vital stats for the upcoming V-Day celebrations. They wanted me to know where to eat, "locally," with MySweetheart on V-Day. (Their recommendation? That I head to Providence for an intimate dinner at Longhorn Steakhouse, which was graded at an A+ by MySpace users.) Also, they'd like me to know what music I should listen to on MyPlaylist for V-Day, and, in case I find myself lost and lonely on the big day, where to find hot, available singles in my area... On MySpace. Duh.

I don't really keep up with radio-friendly music. It just doesn't do it for me. But, these MySpace music recommendations surely have piqued my interested as to just what the hell is going on in the land of Top Forty music these days.

1. "Two is Better Than One," Boys Like Girls
I read this like two girls are better than one. If that is what this group of heteros mean, then I'm impressed it made it to the number one spot for V-Day. Not every couple is that open-minded.
2. "Baby," Justin Bieber
Not the most inventive song title, and it doesn't give much away. Maybe he has a baby, wants a baby, wants to practice making them, I don't know. All I know is that I have no fucking clue how to say his last name except that it's conjuring up the image of the elephant Babar in my head. (Cue childhood memory music...)
3. "Your Love is My Drug," Ke$ha
Uumm. What's with the dollar sign? Has she had to change her password in the UMassDartmouth COIN system so many times that she is far too literate in combining letters of upper and lower case with at least one symbol? Probably not, because if she were, she'd know to have also included a numeral.
4. "Kiss Me Through the Phone," Soulja Boy
I am assuming this is a phone sex reference? If so, isn't that so 2009? I thought it was all about the sexting? Oh, and I had to check that I was spelling Soulja's name right like, three times. And I'm a fairly literate person.
5. "I'm Yours," Jason Mraz
Besides granting us "Words With Friends" (pseudo Scrabble iPhone app that allows proper nouns) obsessives a way of using an M, R, and Z in one word, joining the ranks of Brett Favre in the land of Last Names I Have to Think Way Too Much About Before I Say Them Out Loud, and providing every couple getting married in 2009 with their wedding song, what has Jason Mraz actually done?

Well, thanks, MySpace.

I will have an amazing Valentine's Day this year, and it's all thanks to you.