I sat on the back porch tonight, the chill of the nearing sunset rustling up some goosebumps on my bare arms, and I breathed in deeply the smell of freshly cut grass and the mint that has proliferated so that it, too, got bruised and became fragrant after the lawnmower blades had their way with them.
I watched the dog wander around the newly trimmed yard, listened to the birds in the trees chattering and arguing, and wondered how long that large maple had been there for. I hid my eyes behind sunglasses, and wished the daylight could last longer, because it makes me so happy to see the sun.
Good things have been happening lately; I feel like something has been lifted from my shoulders, a weight, a memory, a burden, an impending something-or-other. Is it... happiness? It couldn't be.
Or could it?
Monday, June 29, 2009
When Good Things Happen to Cynical People
So, when good things happen to me, I immediately go to the opposing extreme: how is it going to fall apart?
Why is this? Why can't I just enjoy it?
It would really make things a lot easier if when I was with the person that makes me happy, I could just live in the moment, not think about the past or the future or the "if" factor, and just enjoy the present and their presence.
I'm trying... I'm trying.
Cynicism be damned, I'm just going to go for it.
It's just harder than it looks.
Why is this? Why can't I just enjoy it?
It would really make things a lot easier if when I was with the person that makes me happy, I could just live in the moment, not think about the past or the future or the "if" factor, and just enjoy the present and their presence.
I'm trying... I'm trying.
Cynicism be damned, I'm just going to go for it.
It's just harder than it looks.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
I Do... Maybe
This past weekend, my brother tied the knot. To be completely honest, I was dreading the wedding (ha), but my cynical expectations were dashed with near-immediacy and I actually had an awesome time. I am now willing to amend my previous rant regarding the stupidity of marriage; I would like, instead, to say that it is not marriage that is stupid, it is those who marry for the wrong reasons that are stupid. So, an apology to my wonderful, happily married friends, and congratulations... may I someday be as lucky as you.
Moving on.
Highlights from the weekend include the following:
I met a very nice boy who likes stick figures and abhors odd numbers. This may sound completely arbitrary to most, but to me it sounds lovely. I'm a happy girl.
There was an impromptu sing-along featuring Leaving on A Jet Plane which was led in no small part by a rather boisterous German man, while six or seven of us sat around the designated Cigar Smoking Table by the pool. A surreal moment indeed.
I fell down. Tumbled. Took a knee. Bit it. However you want to put it - yes. I fell down in front of the majority of my immediate family at a very nice Italian restaurant. It was due in part to a decent amount of wine and one extremely tall pair of wedges, which brings me to my next revelation, which is that this is exactly the reason that I hate wearing high heels. Keep me in flip flops, flats, or, at best, barefoot. Please. That way I remain stable. Now, I have a skinned and bruised knee.
In other news:
I'm reading, at my mother's suggestion, Malcom Gladwell's Outliers and have come to wonder that perhaps every occurrence of success or tradgedy is in fact brought about a preceding number of coincidences that, unless happening in that very same way in that very same order, would never produce the exact same result as they do. It's a hopeful and troubling thought. One that I'm beginning to think might be true.
I'm beginning to see the coincidences more clearly now... or is it just that I'm looking too closely?
B has decided to move out. She's moving in with the boyfriend. I'm not yet freaking out - I'm trying to see the coincidence factor in this (perhaps a door will open I didn't know existed previously... perhaps).
Expect freak out to commence sometime soon, however.
Moving on.
Highlights from the weekend include the following:
I met a very nice boy who likes stick figures and abhors odd numbers. This may sound completely arbitrary to most, but to me it sounds lovely. I'm a happy girl.
There was an impromptu sing-along featuring Leaving on A Jet Plane which was led in no small part by a rather boisterous German man, while six or seven of us sat around the designated Cigar Smoking Table by the pool. A surreal moment indeed.
I fell down. Tumbled. Took a knee. Bit it. However you want to put it - yes. I fell down in front of the majority of my immediate family at a very nice Italian restaurant. It was due in part to a decent amount of wine and one extremely tall pair of wedges, which brings me to my next revelation, which is that this is exactly the reason that I hate wearing high heels. Keep me in flip flops, flats, or, at best, barefoot. Please. That way I remain stable. Now, I have a skinned and bruised knee.
In other news:
I'm reading, at my mother's suggestion, Malcom Gladwell's Outliers and have come to wonder that perhaps every occurrence of success or tradgedy is in fact brought about a preceding number of coincidences that, unless happening in that very same way in that very same order, would never produce the exact same result as they do. It's a hopeful and troubling thought. One that I'm beginning to think might be true.
I'm beginning to see the coincidences more clearly now... or is it just that I'm looking too closely?
B has decided to move out. She's moving in with the boyfriend. I'm not yet freaking out - I'm trying to see the coincidence factor in this (perhaps a door will open I didn't know existed previously... perhaps).
Expect freak out to commence sometime soon, however.
Sunday, June 14, 2009
The Weeble Wobble
Do you remember that "Weebles wobble, but they don't fall down"? That's how I have felt since Monday.
For the entirety of this week, I've felt like I'm teetering on something. I'm neither happy nor sad; I'm neither hungry nor satiated; I'm neither bored nor busy.
I'm wobbly, but I'm not falling... yet.
Instead, I walk around weak-kneed I feel sensitive, I'm relatively dispassionate, I'm often angry, tired, stressed, complacent... you name it.
Today, on my way to work, I was at a red light and a girl drove by in a gold Chrysler; she was crying. Her face was contorted in a sob, her eyes hidden by sunglasses even though it was rainy out and she didn't need them. I couldn't help but wonder why she was crying, where she was going, and if she was going to be okay.
I wondered, then, if this is what people have been thinking about me lately as I walk around, emotionally wobbly but resistant.
Weebles wobble, but they don't fall down, and I won't either.
For the entirety of this week, I've felt like I'm teetering on something. I'm neither happy nor sad; I'm neither hungry nor satiated; I'm neither bored nor busy.
I'm wobbly, but I'm not falling... yet.
Instead, I walk around weak-kneed I feel sensitive, I'm relatively dispassionate, I'm often angry, tired, stressed, complacent... you name it.
Today, on my way to work, I was at a red light and a girl drove by in a gold Chrysler; she was crying. Her face was contorted in a sob, her eyes hidden by sunglasses even though it was rainy out and she didn't need them. I couldn't help but wonder why she was crying, where she was going, and if she was going to be okay.
I wondered, then, if this is what people have been thinking about me lately as I walk around, emotionally wobbly but resistant.
Weebles wobble, but they don't fall down, and I won't either.
Friday, June 12, 2009
Police and Thieves
On Monday my house was broken into, and I'm not sure anything will be the same ever again.
Unfortunately for you, I don't have the energy to retell the story yet again, so I'm giving you the very abridged version:
It was 12:30pm, B left for lunch, came home one hour later. They cut holes in the screen of my kitchen window, which they reached by standing on a bird bath in my neighbor's yard. They stole 2 laptops, three laptop charge cables, one iPod USB cable, one digital camera & the entirity of my grandmother's and great grandmother's jewelry. They put it all in a small suitcase of mine and left by the back door.
More than the physical losses that we endured, I have now lost complete control over my anxiety and paranoia regarding my living alone in the house. Yes, I have a roommate, but she doesn't sleep at home. Yes, I have a landlord living upstairs, who happens to be a close family friend, but he doesn't sleep at home. Both of them spend 6 nights a week at their boyfriend/girlfriend's house. It's wretched. Not only do I feel alone and vulnerable, but decidedly single as well.
And, this weather is gross.
Unfortunately for you, I don't have the energy to retell the story yet again, so I'm giving you the very abridged version:
It was 12:30pm, B left for lunch, came home one hour later. They cut holes in the screen of my kitchen window, which they reached by standing on a bird bath in my neighbor's yard. They stole 2 laptops, three laptop charge cables, one iPod USB cable, one digital camera & the entirity of my grandmother's and great grandmother's jewelry. They put it all in a small suitcase of mine and left by the back door.
More than the physical losses that we endured, I have now lost complete control over my anxiety and paranoia regarding my living alone in the house. Yes, I have a roommate, but she doesn't sleep at home. Yes, I have a landlord living upstairs, who happens to be a close family friend, but he doesn't sleep at home. Both of them spend 6 nights a week at their boyfriend/girlfriend's house. It's wretched. Not only do I feel alone and vulnerable, but decidedly single as well.
And, this weather is gross.
Sunday, June 7, 2009
She (Social Net)Works Hard For the Money...
I'm being commissioned by my current employer to facebook. I either love my job or have just signed a deal with the devil.
Tonight I'm going to make dinner for R & me. On the menu:
Big Honkin' Salad (an old favorite, it is exactly what it sounds like)
Veggie Chik Patties
Vanilla Ice Cream
It's nice out, the Katie Factor's at a ten.
Tonight I'm going to make dinner for R & me. On the menu:
Big Honkin' Salad (an old favorite, it is exactly what it sounds like)
Veggie Chik Patties
Vanilla Ice Cream
It's nice out, the Katie Factor's at a ten.
Today's Top Ten
I like lists. If you've been keeping up, I'm sure you've noticed that to be a pattern by now.
I'm not a fan of To Do variety, however. They stress me out.
I like completely arbitrary lists. Like the one I'm about to present to you. Enjoy. Or don't.
Today's Top Ten Things to Be Aware Of:
1. Sometimes, for no real reason, I think I belong in the UK.
2. Even though rain is depressing, the plants in my yard are growing at a relentless pace because of it. It is insane.
3. Tipping is not hard, people. You need not take sub total, tax, or the difference between the two, or the rounded up addition of the tenths of each - or whatever it is you do that complicates a really simple situation. Here's how to ensure you give your server an average tip: Figure out ten percent of the total amount due. Double it.
4. Are we facebook friends? Then you should probably be able to talk to me in real life. If you can't subscribe to this rather simple concept, I am prepared to un-facebook-friend you. So there.
5. Just because Kate of "John & Kate Plus 8" is on television does not make her hairstyle a concept worth envying any more than having eight children is enviable. Just don't do it.
6. Does anyone actually text those ridiculous "text 234567 now with the name of the person you love to see if they love you back" commercials?
7. My horoscope is totally always right. Until it isn't.
8. Every time I turn around, someone is getting married. When I turn back, someone else is pregnant.
9. Newsweek has a new format. I hate it.
10. I embrace sarcasm. Perhaps too frequently, too readily, too easily and without considering if anyone else has a clue.
I'm exhausted. Nearly 13 hours in that old bank building, and another 5 or so tomorrow.
'Night.
I'm not a fan of To Do variety, however. They stress me out.
I like completely arbitrary lists. Like the one I'm about to present to you. Enjoy. Or don't.
Today's Top Ten Things to Be Aware Of:
1. Sometimes, for no real reason, I think I belong in the UK.
2. Even though rain is depressing, the plants in my yard are growing at a relentless pace because of it. It is insane.
3. Tipping is not hard, people. You need not take sub total, tax, or the difference between the two, or the rounded up addition of the tenths of each - or whatever it is you do that complicates a really simple situation. Here's how to ensure you give your server an average tip: Figure out ten percent of the total amount due. Double it.
4. Are we facebook friends? Then you should probably be able to talk to me in real life. If you can't subscribe to this rather simple concept, I am prepared to un-facebook-friend you. So there.
5. Just because Kate of "John & Kate Plus 8" is on television does not make her hairstyle a concept worth envying any more than having eight children is enviable. Just don't do it.
6. Does anyone actually text those ridiculous "text 234567 now with the name of the person you love to see if they love you back" commercials?
7. My horoscope is totally always right. Until it isn't.
8. Every time I turn around, someone is getting married. When I turn back, someone else is pregnant.
9. Newsweek has a new format. I hate it.
10. I embrace sarcasm. Perhaps too frequently, too readily, too easily and without considering if anyone else has a clue.
I'm exhausted. Nearly 13 hours in that old bank building, and another 5 or so tomorrow.
'Night.
Friday, June 5, 2009
Music & Lyrics and Everything In Between or The Soundtrack to My Memory
Memory. It's a funny thing.
I remember faces more often than names. I remember lyrics more often than song titles. I remember smell more often than color or sound.
I remember music above all else.
There are some songs, some lyrics, some sounds and some moments that will never escape me. The way they hold the guitar, the bass, the violin; the way they pluck, strum and drag the bow across the strings. The way they make sounds and song melt into one emotional thump of my heart. The way I get goosebumps and my eyes crinkle within a moment of near sad, but yet I'm so happy. The way my mouth follows each word like they're worn and familiar stones on a path I've traveled a hundred times before.
Each song, a moment in time:
Lily, Rosemary and the Jack of Hearts by Bob Dylan is a church basement; linoleum floors, uncomfortable chair.
Popular by Nada Surf is a hot summer day in T's top floor; an uncomfortable futon and a coffee table.
Only In Dreams by Weezer, Walk on the Ocean by Toad the Wet Sprocket and Good Feeling by The Violent Femmes are residual effects of a weeklong, years-long lesson of love and loss; sand, sun, tequila, and Manic Panic hair dye.
1945 by Neutral Milk Hotel is the second half of my senior year; the first Saturn I owned, tan interior, black-gold exterior, tape deck.
Pardon Me by Incubus is N's computer room; another futon, two windows, one desk chair.
Anything from The Get Up Kids or The Promise Ring is my 18th year on earth, the gym at URI and the Met Cafe.
Grace Kelly With Wings by Piebald is Reflections circa 1999/2000; cuffed dark denim, messenger bags, short black hair and pixie bangs, vegetarianism.
The Shape of Punk to Come by The Refused is my freshman year in college; driving at Christmas, the chill closing in, the night dark, and me trying to keep my eyes open for the road ahead.
The entirity of American Football is the weekend my parents went away and R & I tried to cook omlettes.
I could go on... but I'll spare you any further walk down Memory Lane. I know it's more fun for me than it is you.
Briefly, however, I will sum today up in music; a song that when I hear it next, and probably for a while, will always remind me of tonight:
Circle Dance by Stevie Nicks.
Why do I walk around in circles, walk around in circles, walk around in circles.... oh, here we go again.
I remember faces more often than names. I remember lyrics more often than song titles. I remember smell more often than color or sound.
I remember music above all else.
There are some songs, some lyrics, some sounds and some moments that will never escape me. The way they hold the guitar, the bass, the violin; the way they pluck, strum and drag the bow across the strings. The way they make sounds and song melt into one emotional thump of my heart. The way I get goosebumps and my eyes crinkle within a moment of near sad, but yet I'm so happy. The way my mouth follows each word like they're worn and familiar stones on a path I've traveled a hundred times before.
Each song, a moment in time:
Lily, Rosemary and the Jack of Hearts by Bob Dylan is a church basement; linoleum floors, uncomfortable chair.
Popular by Nada Surf is a hot summer day in T's top floor; an uncomfortable futon and a coffee table.
Only In Dreams by Weezer, Walk on the Ocean by Toad the Wet Sprocket and Good Feeling by The Violent Femmes are residual effects of a weeklong, years-long lesson of love and loss; sand, sun, tequila, and Manic Panic hair dye.
1945 by Neutral Milk Hotel is the second half of my senior year; the first Saturn I owned, tan interior, black-gold exterior, tape deck.
Pardon Me by Incubus is N's computer room; another futon, two windows, one desk chair.
Anything from The Get Up Kids or The Promise Ring is my 18th year on earth, the gym at URI and the Met Cafe.
Grace Kelly With Wings by Piebald is Reflections circa 1999/2000; cuffed dark denim, messenger bags, short black hair and pixie bangs, vegetarianism.
The Shape of Punk to Come by The Refused is my freshman year in college; driving at Christmas, the chill closing in, the night dark, and me trying to keep my eyes open for the road ahead.
The entirity of American Football is the weekend my parents went away and R & I tried to cook omlettes.
I could go on... but I'll spare you any further walk down Memory Lane. I know it's more fun for me than it is you.
Briefly, however, I will sum today up in music; a song that when I hear it next, and probably for a while, will always remind me of tonight:
Circle Dance by Stevie Nicks.
Why do I walk around in circles, walk around in circles, walk around in circles.... oh, here we go again.
Weather I Mean To Or Not
I'm a creature of my environment; my mood is in direct correlation to the weather.
I have my own take on Ghiorse Factor that corresponds directly to how happy, depressed, tired, energetic, ambitious and motivated I am due to the weather conditions.
Hence, if the weather is.... (insert number here) ... then I am ... (see correlating mood).
0-4 Unmotivated, Lethargic, Listless, Depressed
5-7 Slightly Motivated, Unhappy, Generally Foul & Negative
8-10 Insatiably Motivated, Excitable, In Love With Life, Hopeful & Positive
These past few days I've been running at anywhere from a 0 to a 6. It's really wretched, and I'm awaiting the bright, sunshiny, blossoming days of summer, that I just know can turn my mood in mere moments, so I can remember what 8-10 feels like.
So, let's dwell on some small things that up the factor a bit, shall we?
1. Time spent with an old friend means good company, good conversations, and good cuddles; it doesn't really matter what's going on outside. (+4 points)
2. My Girls. They're always on the list, no matter what. And we managed to spend all of last Saturday, which was gorgeous, together & outside. Lovely. (+5 points)
3. Guilty pleasures. I will say nothing further, but know that there is some reality television on the unspoken list... I know, I know. (+2 points)
4. The Dogs. They do make me slightly crazy, but they are each other's bestie & I know Kota is so happy to see Sammy when he comes over. And, they provide endless entertainment. Oh, and they cuddle too. (+3 points)
So... I just thought I should sum this up and admit that I'm pretty much I'm a sucker for anyone/thing that cuddles. Right.
5. Hope. I always have it, and I'll rely on it forever. (+5 points)
Alright, alright, a little mushy for my taste, too, but I can't help it. It's true...
6. My galoshes. The only thing worse than a bad mood and a rainy day is a bad mood, a rainy day, and wet, cold feet. Ugh.
7. My rainy day playlist: The Ladybug Transistor, The Yeah Yeah Yeahs, !!!, MGMT, Morrissey, Jenny Lewis, The Violent Femmes, Passion Pit.... etc.
I'm off now. I'll be at K's for a bit, for dinner & a good laugh as is our usual.
I'm wearing my galoshes out tonight - fashion faux pas or not - and, you know what? I'm going to jump in every puddle I pass.
That adds a few points to today's Katie Factor, which as of right now is running at about a 7 - weather begone.
xo.
I have my own take on Ghiorse Factor that corresponds directly to how happy, depressed, tired, energetic, ambitious and motivated I am due to the weather conditions.
Hence, if the weather is.... (insert number here) ... then I am ... (see correlating mood).
0-4 Unmotivated, Lethargic, Listless, Depressed
5-7 Slightly Motivated, Unhappy, Generally Foul & Negative
8-10 Insatiably Motivated, Excitable, In Love With Life, Hopeful & Positive
These past few days I've been running at anywhere from a 0 to a 6. It's really wretched, and I'm awaiting the bright, sunshiny, blossoming days of summer, that I just know can turn my mood in mere moments, so I can remember what 8-10 feels like.
So, let's dwell on some small things that up the factor a bit, shall we?
1. Time spent with an old friend means good company, good conversations, and good cuddles; it doesn't really matter what's going on outside. (+4 points)
2. My Girls. They're always on the list, no matter what. And we managed to spend all of last Saturday, which was gorgeous, together & outside. Lovely. (+5 points)
3. Guilty pleasures. I will say nothing further, but know that there is some reality television on the unspoken list... I know, I know. (+2 points)
4. The Dogs. They do make me slightly crazy, but they are each other's bestie & I know Kota is so happy to see Sammy when he comes over. And, they provide endless entertainment. Oh, and they cuddle too. (+3 points)
So... I just thought I should sum this up and admit that I'm pretty much I'm a sucker for anyone/thing that cuddles. Right.
5. Hope. I always have it, and I'll rely on it forever. (+5 points)
Alright, alright, a little mushy for my taste, too, but I can't help it. It's true...
6. My galoshes. The only thing worse than a bad mood and a rainy day is a bad mood, a rainy day, and wet, cold feet. Ugh.
7. My rainy day playlist: The Ladybug Transistor, The Yeah Yeah Yeahs, !!!, MGMT, Morrissey, Jenny Lewis, The Violent Femmes, Passion Pit.... etc.
I'm off now. I'll be at K's for a bit, for dinner & a good laugh as is our usual.
I'm wearing my galoshes out tonight - fashion faux pas or not - and, you know what? I'm going to jump in every puddle I pass.
That adds a few points to today's Katie Factor, which as of right now is running at about a 7 - weather begone.
xo.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
What Not to Blog About
Okay... so, here's the deal: I started this blog for literary excersise. Like jumping jacks, you know? They're not the most well respected means of working out, but they still get the blood flowing & the heart pumping.
So what happens when what makes my heart pump isn't necessarily blog ready?
I started this blog under the (self) restriction that I wouldn't blog about really personal things. I'm just not ready for that yet, you know?
In a way, I kind of feel like Harriet the Spy; my notes are my life, but not everyone can read them & understand what they mean.
Poor Harriet, I feel for her.
So what happens when what makes my heart pump isn't necessarily blog ready?
I started this blog under the (self) restriction that I wouldn't blog about really personal things. I'm just not ready for that yet, you know?
In a way, I kind of feel like Harriet the Spy; my notes are my life, but not everyone can read them & understand what they mean.
Poor Harriet, I feel for her.
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